Monday, May 14, 2007

Unthought...

I do not know if I am the only one who goes through this. Or if there are many like me who do but do not talk about it. You become friends with someone. You get close to them. Your friendship just seems to get stronger with time. You feel really special, wanted and loved. You feel really attached to them. You feel you are among their best friends. You know it. Nothing could possibly go wrong from here, could it? You were so lucky to have come across them, and vice versa. And no, I am not restricting my lament to 'relationships'. I am talking about two friends in general, not necessarily 'together'.
And then it happens. The downslide begins. They suddenly seem to change their attitude towards you. What was okay just some time ago, suddenly becomes taboo. They no longer seem to be as enthusiastic as they were before. You try and convince yourself it is only temporary. There must be something else on their mind. Some problem perhaps, which they cannot quite talk about. Or maybe they are simply busy with truckloads of work. You wait for some time to let things rectify themselves to normalcy. They don't. In fact, they get worse. Your friend seems to be quite comfortable with their other friends and colleagues. You ask for some time together. Maybe a movie. Or a coffee. They don't have time. You believe them. You know it is true. But you are astounded when you learn, much later, how they managed to find time to indulge in those very activities with other friends. Then comes the apparent difference in their behaviour with you and their behaviour with them. A difference so evident, it hurts. You question them about it. They categorically deny any such thing. You insist that they tell you what is wrong. They tell you that you are imagining things; that you are delusional; that you do not think beyond yourself. You don't let go. Further tensions arise. The rift widens. If only you knew what you did wrong, if only you knew what went wrong and where, if only they told you...you'd do anything to get those old times back.
It doesn't end here. You are clueless. Clueless about what happened. Clueless about what you should do now. Clueless about whether you should do something in the first place. Clueless. Completely clueless. You reminisce the sweet moments you had. You cannot forget them. You wonder if they were true. They keep coming back. Hitting you. Hurting you. Mocking you. Now you know they are true. You feel angry. And jealous. Jealous when you see other people get close to them the way you did, while you languish, a pathetic, whining creature, unthought; you are not even a speck on their mind. And it isn't as if they don't want anything to do with you anymore. They do talk to you. Treat you like they do know you. Like you are supposed to feel happy they atleast do this much. If you told someone what good friends you once were, they'd laugh at you.
You do not claim to be flawless. The whole thing might very well turn out to be your fault from start to end, through and through. And you are open to that possibilty. But you'd rather they tell you this on your face. You just wish they did. You just wish they said something. Anything- 'You give out an unbearable stench' , 'You sweat too much', 'You are all the crap in the world rolled into one and an embarrassment to be seen with', 'You bore me now', 'I have more interesting friends.Thanks.' - anything. If only they gave you a freaking reason you'd yourself make sure your ways didn't cross. If they didn't want you, they shouldn't have made friends with you in the first place. And if they still claim to be a friend, why don't they behave like one anymore?
You think. You keep thinking. When it gets too much, you try to get them to talk about it. They tell you that you have too much time on your hands, and that you are wasting theirs. There is frustration. And the frustration of not knowing what hit you is much more than the frustration of being hit. You cannot think of what to do. You do not know. You can only write a blog entry, you whimpering piece of muck.