Monday, May 14, 2007

Unthought...

I do not know if I am the only one who goes through this. Or if there are many like me who do but do not talk about it. You become friends with someone. You get close to them. Your friendship just seems to get stronger with time. You feel really special, wanted and loved. You feel really attached to them. You feel you are among their best friends. You know it. Nothing could possibly go wrong from here, could it? You were so lucky to have come across them, and vice versa. And no, I am not restricting my lament to 'relationships'. I am talking about two friends in general, not necessarily 'together'.
And then it happens. The downslide begins. They suddenly seem to change their attitude towards you. What was okay just some time ago, suddenly becomes taboo. They no longer seem to be as enthusiastic as they were before. You try and convince yourself it is only temporary. There must be something else on their mind. Some problem perhaps, which they cannot quite talk about. Or maybe they are simply busy with truckloads of work. You wait for some time to let things rectify themselves to normalcy. They don't. In fact, they get worse. Your friend seems to be quite comfortable with their other friends and colleagues. You ask for some time together. Maybe a movie. Or a coffee. They don't have time. You believe them. You know it is true. But you are astounded when you learn, much later, how they managed to find time to indulge in those very activities with other friends. Then comes the apparent difference in their behaviour with you and their behaviour with them. A difference so evident, it hurts. You question them about it. They categorically deny any such thing. You insist that they tell you what is wrong. They tell you that you are imagining things; that you are delusional; that you do not think beyond yourself. You don't let go. Further tensions arise. The rift widens. If only you knew what you did wrong, if only you knew what went wrong and where, if only they told you...you'd do anything to get those old times back.
It doesn't end here. You are clueless. Clueless about what happened. Clueless about what you should do now. Clueless about whether you should do something in the first place. Clueless. Completely clueless. You reminisce the sweet moments you had. You cannot forget them. You wonder if they were true. They keep coming back. Hitting you. Hurting you. Mocking you. Now you know they are true. You feel angry. And jealous. Jealous when you see other people get close to them the way you did, while you languish, a pathetic, whining creature, unthought; you are not even a speck on their mind. And it isn't as if they don't want anything to do with you anymore. They do talk to you. Treat you like they do know you. Like you are supposed to feel happy they atleast do this much. If you told someone what good friends you once were, they'd laugh at you.
You do not claim to be flawless. The whole thing might very well turn out to be your fault from start to end, through and through. And you are open to that possibilty. But you'd rather they tell you this on your face. You just wish they did. You just wish they said something. Anything- 'You give out an unbearable stench' , 'You sweat too much', 'You are all the crap in the world rolled into one and an embarrassment to be seen with', 'You bore me now', 'I have more interesting friends.Thanks.' - anything. If only they gave you a freaking reason you'd yourself make sure your ways didn't cross. If they didn't want you, they shouldn't have made friends with you in the first place. And if they still claim to be a friend, why don't they behave like one anymore?
You think. You keep thinking. When it gets too much, you try to get them to talk about it. They tell you that you have too much time on your hands, and that you are wasting theirs. There is frustration. And the frustration of not knowing what hit you is much more than the frustration of being hit. You cannot think of what to do. You do not know. You can only write a blog entry, you whimpering piece of muck.

7 comments:

silentskream said...

I know this, and also know when and why this happens. You might think that this happens among 2 friends of the same sex as much as it happens among friends of the opposite. I think not. I think this is seen more with friends of opposite sex.The reason most of the time is someone else telling one of them to move away from the other.If not this, then the reason is plain and simple,they want to move away from you because the closeness with one makes them uncomfortable, because they feel its not really closeness as of natural friendship, but something more which they are scared of or do not want.When this happens with the friends of same sex, it usually happens because this is the age when we change a lot. Most people will change so much that the is hardly any resemblance to their owl self. This change if accepted the friendship remains unscathed, if rejected the friends grow apart.Some old friends stay as they are, and you never feel separated from them no matter what happens.These are the true unconditional friends. They love you and respect you no matter what change u or they undergo. One needs to be extremely fortunate to have such friends. It is just a matter of luck if some people move away from you. The reason is either someone else asking them to do it without saying a word, or else they doing it because they lose interest in you because you refuse to change with them. :(. I hope I could help you in this, but every man is an island in himself and every man needs a self made raft to catch the wave.Hope you friend realizes it before its too late.

PS: You should not call names to yourself because someone else is treating you bad. You are not weak or at the mercy of some one else's pity.

Harsha said...

Dude!! You are one intense chap...but knowing you that's no surprise. Very angtsy piece...but very well written as always :)
Things happen, people change,
Wonder why,life never stays the same,
But think how boring that would be,
The same ole you, the same ole me!

You like? Just thought of it...abhi abhi :)

Keep writing dude :)

nissim said...

been there ...felt that.
going thru something like that right now.

Anonymous said...

Hi aseem , its understandable that u feel uve lost one true good friend , but this also means u need to spend ur time and effort with other friends and wait for her to realise this mistake and correct herself ..... I hope this issue ,by now has solved by itself though..

Aseem said...

@silentskream
I think you are right about this happening between two friends of the opposite sex than between those of the same. And while the initial closeness is from both sides, I think it is the late, sudden realization of the closeness by one of the friends that freaks him/her out and the other friend is left to guess as to what might have happened.

@Harsha
Thanks a lot.And yes,the limerick is a hit! :D

@Nissim
It shouldn't, but it does give some consolation to know I am not the only one who goes through this, probably because I know you can relate to my feelings. Hope everything works out right for you too.

@Anonymous
You are probably right in asking me to spend time with my other friends. But I think waiting for the friend mentioned in the blog entry is now going to be futile. They didn't really commit any mistake. According to them, nothing went wrong anywhere. They didn't even feel any change the way I did. I have tried to convey my exact sentiments but haven't really been able to get my point across, coming across like someone who has complaint over needless complaint. But that isn't me and neither do I want to appear that way. :)

PS: I shall be glad if you could tell me your name, inspite of posting anonymously. :)

Rakesh D'mello said...

This is something that has been happening with me all the time and maybe that is why, today I am alone. Loads of friends, but none that I can call my best friend. I guess there are times when in such a relation, one person grows faster than the other and that leads to a growing level of dissent. People begin to disagree with thoughts and this continues to grow back in their minds. I dont know much, but definitely I am the worst affected.

Lyandra D'souza said...

i loved this post.. u managed to put in words exactly what i always feel when something like this happens. but i don't think its intentional.. most of the time anyway.. people just drift apart sometimes.